SELF CARE + LOSS
Friendships + Loss
I STOOD OUTSIDE THIS MORNING IN THE SUN AND THOUGHT
WHAT HAVE I DONE LATELY FOR MY SELF CARE.
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOUR LOSS HAPPENED LAST MONTH OR 10 YEARS AGO, OUR SPIRIT NEEDS RADICAL SELF CARE.
AND WITH GRIEF, OUR SPIRIT NEEDS RITUALS OF SELF CARE.
LET’S ADMIT IT!
Don’t get me wrong, grief is hard to navigate and because as a society we have learned to associate grief with pain rather than with love, being around grief is challenging for all of us.
We don’t talk about grief as much as we talk about love but we should and I think this is why some friends DO NOT know what to say.
I believe, that the most supportive friends are those who recognise your loss.
MY PARTNER + I after loss
A LOT OF YOU HAVE ASKED FOR THE DETAILS OF MY JOURNEY
AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO SHARE ….
HERE IS A GREAT INTERVIEW FROM MONIKA ONE OF OUR HEAD COACHES AT OUR FERTILITY PROJECT.
I TALK ABOUT IT ALL FROM TRYING NATURALLY TO TMFR AND HAVING OUR RAINBOW BABY VIA SURROGATE.
I INVITE YOU TO HAVE A WATCH AND IF ANYTHING RESONATES PLEASE LET ME KNO
TTC after a Loss
YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO GET BY ON YOUR OWN AND HERE I AM SAYING THAT WE NEED TO THINK OF OUR PARTNERS.
WHEN WE HAD TO TERMINATE OUR TWINS FOR MEDICAL REASONS, TRY TO CONCEIVE AFTER SEVERAL MISCARRIAGES AND THEN LOEY’S DEATH, I DIDN’T THINK WE AS A COUPLE WOULD HAVE MADE IT AND SOMETIMES I WONDER IF WE WILL. IT TAKES CONTINUOUS PERSONAL GROWTH AND COMMITMENT.
Finding your RETREAT
WHEN WE EXPERIENCE A PREGNANCY LOSS AT ANY STAGE THERE IS GRIEF.
HOWEVER, THE HUMAN SPIRIT DOESN’T WANT TO GIVE UP AND WE MOVE INTO THE NEXT PHASE OF OUR FERTILITY.
EMOTIONS. SO MANY FREAKING EMOTIONS.
Let’s start by asking ….
Do you have a retreat?
Do you have your special, calming space where you are able to retreat, restore and refresh when the world gets too crazy and overwhelming?
Having a place where you find comfort when your grief gets too much is important in our healing process.
Our minds and nervous system needs a break so that it can restore and fight another day. If we don’t have that, we will stress our adrenals and feel ill.
Halloween Self Preservation after Pregnancy Loss
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS PREGNANT AFTER LOSING OUR TWINS THAT ALL I WANTED TO FEEL WAS HAPPY BUT COULDN’T.
I REMEMBER I TOLD MYSELF THAT THIS IS IT AND THIS IS OUR RAINBOW BABY. I EVEN WENT OUT TO BUY A BIB AND I WAS PLANNING ON TELLING MY HUSBAND THAT EVENING. SADLY, I MISCARRIED THAT NIGHT AND I HAD TO HIDE THE BIB AND TOLD MY HUSBAND A DIFFERENT STORY.
Grief and Boundaries
We are reminded once again of the memories that we are unable to make with our little ones. For me the sadness starts to creep [ Halloween word] in, when I start to realize that Loey will never be able to dress up like a super hero or a princess. Of course, a bad ass princess and super hero, because she is tough and brave like that. And, the fact she won’t know what a chocolate bar taste like or I won’t hear her begging for more treats before bed and of course me giving in at least once, because life is short.
I won’t be holding her hand as we walk the cold streets and knocking on doors.
I know I’m not alone in my feels.
So I thought I would share what I am doing this Halloween, and some tools from my grief ghostbuster’s toolkit for Halloween.
[ did you see that - another Halloween word]
Getting Pregnant After Loss
I know, it’s the last thing you want to think about at the moment - setting boundaries and telling people what to do, but I found this to be one of my saving graces after losing Loey.
So much of your health and general wellbeing depends on our ability to set and maintain good and healthy boundaries.
I think, and I am totally guilty of doing this, that women automatically default in taking care of everyone else and become the caretaker during loss and they forget about their own healing process.
Yes, sometimes it is justified but I do invite you to be conscious of your own healing process because unattended grief does not go away. It will stay in your body and create havoc.
October - Pregnancy + Infant LOSS Awareness Month
Those words are full of so many emotions.
Thinking about trying again can be full of guilt, sadness and joy.
We want to be able to think about a beautiful baby in our arms, but after baby loss we don’t have the luxury of not knowing what could happen.
I remember after losing our twins, I was incredibly anxious about getting pregnant again.
The doctors, my family and even my husband kept reassuring me that it would be okay to start again.
So, we did and we tried IUI, IVF and the old fashion way of having sex on those 2 days.
My God Daughter and Loey [ Life after baby loss ]
Did you KNOW …
In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated October as national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month to bring light to an issue that affects so many people. Each year in the United States, approximately 1 million children die in utero or shortly after birth, making it 1 in 4 pregnancies that result in a loss.
1 in 4 !
Go on Parent yourself !
This photo was taken after M had a melt down and we started to look outside into the clouds ️ and I could
feel Loey with us.
It was a magical moment and a moment I will not forget.
I believe that making new memories for the ones that were taken away is part of living a life with loss.
10 things I wish someone told me about pregnancy after loss
As children there was someone who told us what we needed to get done, what we shouldn't be doing and how to clean our room. However as adults we don't have our parents telling us to get up and live our life.
We need to get up on time ourselves, we need to take ourselves to the gym or for a walk and we need to eat sensibly. There isn't someone telling you what you need to do. It is all up to you.
When we have experienced trauma or a loss, the need to live is really hard. Don't get me wrong, it's not about life or death, but more about living our life in the shit of it. Having to get up in the morning, having to feed ourselves, head into work and survive.
There is a time to grieve and to heal and there is a time to parent yourself to get yourself out of bed.
Personally, I know that I use to use grief as a crutch or as an excuse not to leave my flat, not to experience life and not to see friends.
Those FIRST few MONTHS after LOSS
1. Trying again after loss is challenging beyond words and extremely heartbreaking. Remember those days of peeing on a stick and not seeing the 2 lines? Well, combine that with grief and the anxiety of trying again.
2. A positive pregnancy test doesn't mean the same anymore. Okay, so now you have the two lines, but you feel even more anxious and scared but then the joy starts to wiggle its way in.
3. Bathroom time is never the same. You start to wonder if you are bleeding again every time you go to the toilet or when you feel something different in your underwear. Your partner rushes in to make sure you are okay because you are taking a bit longer than usual trying to get your breath back again
JULY is International BEREAVED PARENTS MONTH
I felt like a zombie in my own life. I didn't have the energy to think and eat or even think about taking a shower. I didn't know if I was going to make it or not.
I had to ask for a lot of help, and I ate a lot of ice cream. I learned to not judge myself if I was too tired to do anything that day. I also learned to set boundaries around my healing experience. I had to find the courage and strength to live one day at a time. I had to create self-care moments each day to help me find purpose.
I wrote an E-MAG about my first few months after my loss.
People have shared that after reading my e-mag they felt less alone, that it was an easy read to help them understand what they are going through.
Power of Thought [ in a life after loss ]
I bet you didn't expect to read this.
Well, I didn't expect to be writing this.
But I am glad that you are here.
My intention is to bring more awareness to this month, and you are helping me.
I share ideas below on how to help your friend who has lost a child.
If you are a bereaved parent, my heart goes to you.
I hope this little blog resonates and helps in some way.
Losing a child is an unimaginable loss.
What is it that I do ?
MY BIGGEST CHALLENGE WAS WHEN WE LOST OUR BABY GIRL AT 39 WEEKS LAST MAY. MY WORLD BROKE INTO A MILLION PIECES AND I WAS ANGRY, FRUSTRATED AND SAD. IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED ANY LOSS, YOU KNOW THE DEPTHS OF SADNESS THAT CAN OVERCOME YOU.
A YEAR ON, I HAVE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF AND ALSO HOW TO EMPOWER MY LIFE AFTER LOSS. CHANGING MY MINDSET AND CHOOSING A BETTER FEELING THOUGHT HAS HELPED ME IMMENSELY. I TRAINED MYSELF OUT OF ALWAYS SLIPPING INTO THE DOOM AND GLOOM PATHWAY AND PAVING A NEW NEUROLOGICAL PATHWAY, THAT WAS MORE HOPEFUL.
What if you decided to believe that it could be no other way ......
I am creating the thing that I wished existed in this world by bringing a modern contextual twist to the idea of loss and grief. I am creating a movement of women who are not afraid of loss and will step into the depth of loss to learn how they can heal and grow in ways that they never thought possible. I am creating language of acceptance, of space, of time and of awareness around loss and grief. I am coaching, holding space and loving every woman I meet that has acknowledged their losses, and are trying their best to move with it, and find their sovereignty.
It is the day after Mother's Day here in the States, and I think surviving my 6th mother's day after losing my twins and the first after losing my lovely little girl went well.
As well as you can expect while living in grief and loss.
Why and how ....
I think truly it was because I had a plan.
I had a plan of what I would like the day to be like, I had a plan that I could use as my go to, if all went completely pear shape. But, I think most importantly I chose me. I chose to celebrate myself as a mom, and as a person. I also chose to honor my babies and my relationship with loss. I did what my soul craved most of - self care and love.