MY EGG DONOR STORY

In stories, we HEAL.

As I sit here thinking about the first time I was approached about using an egg donor, I can vividly see myself sitting at our dining room table looking shocked and staring into the backyard of our North Vancouver home.

Before that first call, we had experienced a twin pregnancy and had to TFMR [ termination for medical reasons ], several miscarriages, 2 failed IUI and had just started our IVF journey when we were told that my body didn’t respond well to the drugs and that we should think about alternatives.

The doctor that was supporting us on our journey had the worst bedside manner and I know that my PTSD was triggered and thus I didn’t feel safe with him.

Emotions in 2019

I saw a mother who wasn’t afraid to feel anxiety and joy. I also saw a mother who thought she wasn’t going to make it and felt exhausted and lonely at times AND she made it.

SHE FUCKING MADE IT.

I am honored to share my ✍🏽 JOURNAL + ANCHORING NLP STRATEGY with you and help you lean into your resilience and strength.

SELF CARE + LOSS

I STOOD OUTSIDE THIS MORNING IN THE SUN AND THOUGHT

WHAT HAVE I DONE LATELY FOR MY SELF CARE.

IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOUR LOSS HAPPENED LAST MONTH OR 10 YEARS AGO, OUR SPIRIT NEEDS RADICAL SELF CARE.

AND WITH GRIEF, OUR SPIRIT NEEDS RITUALS OF SELF CARE.

LET’S ADMIT IT!

MY PARTNER + I after loss

I KNOW.

YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO GET BY ON YOUR OWN AND HERE I AM SAYING THAT WE NEED TO THINK OF OUR PARTNERS.

WHEN WE HAD TO TERMINATE OUR TWINS FOR MEDICAL REASONS, TRY TO CONCEIVE AFTER SEVERAL MISCARRIAGES AND THEN LOEY’S DEATH, I DIDN’T THINK WE AS A COUPLE WOULD HAVE MADE IT AND SOMETIMES I WONDER IF WE WILL. IT TAKES CONTINUOUS PERSONAL GROWTH AND COMMITMENT.

TTC after a Loss

WHEN WE EXPERIENCE A PREGNANCY LOSS AT ANY STAGE THERE IS GRIEF.

HOWEVER, THE HUMAN SPIRIT DOESN’T WANT TO GIVE UP AND WE MOVE INTO THE NEXT PHASE OF OUR FERTILITY.

Halloween Self Preservation after Pregnancy Loss

We are reminded once again of the memories that we are unable to make with our little ones. For me the sadness starts to creep [ Halloween word] in, when I start to realize that Loey will never be able to dress up like a super hero or a princess. Of course, a bad ass princess and super hero, because she is tough and brave like that. And, the fact she won’t know what a chocolate bar taste like or I won’t hear her begging for more treats before bed and of course me giving in at least once, because life is short.
I won’t be holding her hand as we walk the cold streets and knocking on doors.

I know I’m not alone in my feels.

So I thought I would share what I am doing this Halloween, and some tools from my grief ghostbuster’s toolkit for Halloween.

[ did you see that - another Halloween word]

October - Pregnancy + Infant LOSS Awareness Month

Did you KNOW …

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated October as national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month to bring light to an issue that affects so many people. Each year in the United States, approximately 1 million children die in utero or shortly after birth, making it 1 in 4 pregnancies that result in a loss.

1 in 4 !

My God Daughter and Loey [ Life after baby loss ]

This photo was taken after M had a melt down and we started to look outside into the clouds ️ and I could
feel Loey with us.

It was a magical moment and a moment I will not forget.

I believe that making new memories for the ones that were taken away is part of living a life with loss.

Go on Parent yourself !

As children there was someone who told us what we needed to get done, what we shouldn't be doing and how to clean our room. However as adults we don't have our parents telling us to get up and live our life.

We need to get up on time ourselves, we need to take ourselves to the gym or for a walk and we need to eat sensibly. There isn't someone telling you what you need to do. It is all up to you.

When we have experienced trauma or a loss, the need to live is really hard. Don't get me wrong, it's not about life or death, but more about living our life in the shit of it. Having to get up in the morning, having to feed ourselves, head into work and survive.

There is a time to grieve and to heal and there is a time to parent yourself to get yourself out of bed.

Personally, I know that I use to use grief as a crutch or as an excuse not to leave my flat, not to experience life and not to see friends.

the secret is out

The secret is out and there is no more hiding in your pain and in your suffering.

Those FIRST few MONTHS after LOSS

I felt like a zombie in my own life. I didn't have the energy to think and eat or even think about taking a shower. I didn't know if I was going to make it or not.

I had to ask for a lot of help, and I ate a lot of ice cream. I learned to not judge myself if I was too tired to do anything that day. I also learned to set boundaries around my healing experience. I had to find the courage and strength to live one day at a time. I had to create self-care moments each day to help me find purpose.

I wrote an E-MAG about my first few months after my loss.

People have shared that after reading my e-mag they felt less alone, that it was an easy read to help them understand what they are going through.