EMOTIONS. SO MANY FREAKING EMOTIONS.
CRAZY EMOTIONS now that I am PREGNANT!
5 tools that changed my life when I was pregnant after loss
When we are PREGNANT after LOSS we have so many emotions dropping in that it can be overwhelming.
I remember the feeling of joy then fear and then excitement and then anxiety. I was getting so overwhelmed that all I wanted to do was take a nap and hide for 9 months. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was pregnant and I seriously did some disassociation.
The feeling of anxiety can be strange if you have never felt it before. The fear and constant worry is exhausting and all we want to be is HAPPY and at ease in our journey.
I remember when I was pregnant after losing our twins that all I wanted to feel was HAPPY but couldn’t.
I remember I told myself that this is IT and this is our rainbow baby. I even went out to buy a BIB and I was planning on telling my husband that evening. Sadly, I miscarried that night and I had to hide the BIB and told my husband a different story.
We went through a few of these and each one I started to hide even more. I started to feel FEAR like I never had before and I was getting lost in the journey of getting pregnant and grieving all at the same time without anyone knowing and not being able to reach out for support.
I LOST A CHUNK OF MY LIFE!
I started to get really defensive and didn’t want anyone to talk about getting pregnant because I was full of anger.
[ Now, I know after a lot of therapy, coaching and personal growth, that this is how GRIEF shows up for me ]
This all makes makes sense because I had been through something so incredibly traumatic.
After we experience a traumatic event and especially one that happens more than once, our brain is rewired and our nervous system is in overdrive!
The GRIEF and LOSS become part of your life and you start to thing that nothing goes right for you, which is our SURVIVAL mechanism.
I know this NOW, but I didn’t know it before and I struggled.
THIS UNDERSTANDING which came from support and a lot of personal work saved my life for when we were pregnant again with our rainbow baby - LOEY.
I think this understanding is extremely important because it creates space for awareness and forgiveness for why we are feeling all those freaking emotions.
As you might know, Loey was stillborn and so our dream was crashed one more time. However, I had the understanding and awareness this time to appreciate the time I spent with her, the rituals we created and the photos I kept. It was still hard but I felt more empowered in my grief and journey.
This made me more determined to have a baby. I know, not like I was before with all the IUIs and IVFs and EGG DONORS …. I know.
We were in a lucky position and we were able to move forward with surrogacy and we NOW have our rainbow baby.
10 YEARS IN THE MAKING
[ watch for a blog about him soon]
Okay, back to the blog topic! EMOTIONS. SO MANY FREAKING EMOTIONS.
I would LOVE to share my strategies, tools or whatever you may want to call it when
those FREAKING EMOTIONS start to become overwhelming.
Now these 5 things, don’t mean you won’t feel fearful or anxious because you will. Honestly, you can not after losing your baby, but my intention HERE is to create more ease and understanding so that pregnancy after loss isn’t always full of fear, sadness and anxiety.
UNDERSTAND that your brain has CHANGED
BE CURIOUS about your EMOTION
CREATE INTENTION for your DAY
PAUSE and RESET
FIND your THING
Okay so our brain chemistry changes after you have experienced something traumatic and our body keeps score. I think knowing this gives us permission to have EPIC self forgiveness when we are feeling exhausted, sad and upset.
When I say be CURIOUS, I mean DO NOT HIDE or NUMB your emotion. You are human and you feel pain, sadness and joy BUT society has told us that PAIN isn’t good and we should push it down. Of course, pain isn’t good and it’s FRIGGIN uncomfortable, but if we numb or push it to the side - it doesn’t work - it doesn’t serve us and it will keep coming up. So be curious to WHY you are feeling anxious and maybe JOURNAL around your emotions to create understanding.
This was HUGE for me when I was pregnant after loss. CREATE INTENTION! I would wake up and think of an intention for the day. It might be a movement break so that my body feels restored or it would be that I would find something to be grateful for, knowing that my brain and nervous system were craving it. Honestly, anything to help create an anchor. Try it and LET me know how it GOES.
This is challenging … because when we PAUSE … our mind can go into HYPER speed of worry and we have nothing to distract us from our fears. I get it! Keeping busy for me was important but I realize that I also had to honor the process of GRIEF and my emotions. So when I say PAUSE and RESET, I mean when things get crazy and you know what I mean. You know that feeling when it seems like your world is spinning … connect back to your intention, to your understanding and pause so that you can reset.
FIND your THING! For me it was to keep creative, to write, support group, yoga and to sleep. Before, I had really bad coping strategies and they weren’t nourishing nor healthy. I wanted to change that, I wanted to be able to have awareness before I ate a whole tub of ice cream [ organic and dairy free - of course AND sometimes I would still eat it and it was okay]. When I felt like hiding or my mind went to unhealthy place, I noticed and I picked my thing.
Pregnancy after loss is FULL of emotions and LAYERS.
It isn’t easy but with understanding, support and maybe some of these tools you may find some comfort and ease.