Emotions in 2019
What emotions did I feel in 2019?
…. a lot and I HEALED.
AS I STARTED TO ✍🏽 JOURNAL,
the first question I asked myself when reflecting on 2019, was ….
WHAT EMOTIONS DID YOU FEEL?
What a question, but what an important question to gain awareness + wisdom from 2019 to help create intenton for 2020.
I started to think about just writing down all the emotions as they started to creep up, but that was overwhelming AF. I mean can you imagine … I know you can.
So I started with January and as I closed my eyes to remember, I started to feel at peace in my reflection as I told myself to be open.
In January we had survived our second Christmas without Loey [ stillbirth ] and our 7th year without our twins [TFMR] knowing that it could possibly be our last Christmas before our rainbow baby arrived. I mean talk about mixed emotions. I was feeling excited, nervous, sad, scared and loved. I was able to recognise and honor each emotion without being too nervous or being too excited. It was an interesting time of emotional agility and awareness for me.
February was full of anxiety and personal growth, as we started to make plans for our rainbow baby via our beautiful surrogate. We moved into a new home and I started to nest as much as my heart would let me. At times, I couldn’t because I wasn’t strong enough to look past the triggers and the trauma and there were other times that it was the most nurturing thing I did as my heart was full of hope and joy. It was a dance between hope and creating nurturing awareness of my PTSD.
March was full of numbness and the deepest love ….. I know you understand what I mean?! It was the month that our rainbow baby was due. As I write this, the image of Milo being born started to rewire my brain because the only experience I have had was Loey’s stillbirth. It was a day of extreme emotions. I was feeling incredibly calm and also incredibly scared. Milo was born in Boise on March 28th and our lives changed forever. The emotions were HIGH and I was full of joy, exhaustion, and happiness. I also missed Loey and our twins more than I have ever done before.
Looking back, it was the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had.
Holding my crying baby and remembering my dead one.
That is basically how REAL it was. The experience of life and death.
March till August were months of pure exhaustion, anxiety, disbelief and personal growth. I was falling in love with my son but at the same time my PTSD was at an all-time high and I needed to heal more than ever. I fell into a depression but luckily with my training and therapy, I was able to incorporate a lot of tools that helped me move through it all. A strong foundation of strength, awareness, consciousness and self care saved me. People think that life must be amazing now that we have our baby and yes it is, however, it doesn’t fix or replace the pain of not having our dead babies with us.
After the fog of a newborn started to lift in August,I was holding my little boy but I wasn’t sure who I was. I had spent the last 10 years trying to get pregnant, living with grief and pain and wishing. I lost myself in motherhood but not feeling whole or as happy as I thought I would be.
It was an odd place to be.
As a parent after loss, I was getting triggered by my son and emotions, limiting beliefs and inner child wounds started to rise and it was scary. I took the lead, as I tell a lot of my clients and I started to learn about trauma work, conscious parenting, and NLP.
September till December and as the hours turned into days, weeks and months, I started to see the light in the exhaustion. I found NLP and healed more than I thought I ever thought possible. My emotions were still there [ part of the human experience - of course] but I felt a sense of neutrality around it and it they didn’t own me.
[ You might be asking yourself, what is NLP … Neuro Linguistic Programming … Let me explain below… ]
NLP is the practice of understanding how people organise their thinking, feeling, language and behaviour to produce the results they do. NLP is also used for personal development and provides you with the awareness of your limiting beliefs, fears and anxiety so that you can recode your mental maps and create a world / foundation that best serves you now.
A key element of NLP is that we form our unique internal mental maps of the world as a product of the way we filter and perceive information absorbed through our five senses from the world around us, our childhood patterns, and emotional trauma.
This was HUGE. LIKE really huge.
How I reacted to my emotions, grief and triggers changed because I had recognized, rewired,and re-coded my inner communication [ narratives, beliefs, thoughts ] which were created from my childhood and traumatic experiences. The year ended in me choosing to LIVE in a place of consciousness and truth. 💥
As an NLP Practitioner /Coach, I see the transformation daily with my clients and this for me is my pain to purpose.
So, as emotional 2019 was for me, it was also a time of immense growth and change.
All this ✍🏽journalling allowed me the space to acknowledge my emotions without judgment and as this awareness taught me a lot about who I was and who I am now.
This question helped me see how far I have come and how much I have learned about myself and what I need now in 2020.
I saw a mother who wasn’t afraid to feel anxiety and joy. I also saw a mother who thought she wasn’t going to make it and felt exhausted and lonely at times AND she made it.
SHE FUCKING MADE IT.
I am honored to share my ✍🏽 JOURNAL + ANCHORING NLP STRATEGY with you and help you lean into your resilience and strength.
YOU HAVE THE POWER. WE JUST NEED FIND IT FOR YOU.
CHECK OUT THE POWERFUL JOURNAL QUESTIONS HERE AND CHECK OUT THE ANCHORING NLP STRATEGY THAT I’m USING TO CREATE my desired feeling IN 2020.
with love ALWAYS,